I’ve been praying for something for a long time.
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| Original Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash |
Well, I’ve been praying for a
lot of things actually. A lot of the same
prayers cycled and recycled depending on urgency for the past several years. At
first, it was a simple “Lord, I ask that You would make a way for x to
happen, so that I would be able to do y. Thank You so much, Amen. 😊” And I’d go
about my day, believing things would start to happen. But the more I prayed, the
farther away my requests became. It went from praying for a natural path to
these things to daily begging God for a miracle—because no way could I
see any of this working out without one.
I felt like I’d put in an
application at the Office of Miracles, complete with my resume, measure of
faith, time spent in prayer, good works performed, etc. To be frank, I felt
like I qualified for a miracle. I stood kinda twiddling my thumbs as the Angel
at the desk put on his spectacles and glanced over my paperwork (God Himself of
course was unavailable). Finally, the Angel looked up at me, folded his hands
and said, “Everything appears to be in order. However, miracles are out of
stock for the foreseeable future. You’ll have to move to the back of the line.”
Naturally, I overturned the
table on him. ;)
That’s kind of a joke, but I
do think that’s how we feel sometimes. Those of us who grew up in Church, we
often know on a technical level that it is by grace and only grace we are saved. God provides good things not because we’ve done enough good works
but because He is good, because every good gift comes from Him (James 1:17). It’s the
only way we get them. Yet, at the same time, we often subconsciously hold this
belief that our good works will “count” or grant us brownie points. We think
(and are sometimes taught) that if we just learn to pray the right way and give
the right amount in the offering, God will return to us all that we desire.
When that doesn’t work, we
start to get desperate and fall into all manner of things. I’ve cycled
through anger with God, crippling anxiety, depression, despair, and back again.
I’ve watched other people gain the same blessings I’ve pleaded for and racked my
brain, trying to figure out why it wouldn’t work for me, wildly seeking some kind
of magic bullet to pray, give, or fast “correctly,” so that I can finally
convince God to bless me. And over the last several weeks, as I realized
that’s what I was doing, I’ve started to step back and remember: that’s not how
it works.
Certainly, serving and
sacrificing for others, spending time in the Bible, fasting, praying, all of
these disciplines of a Christ follower are very, very good. They matter,
they’re just plain good for us, and there is a reward for them in
Heaven! But I’m not doing them for the primary purpose of bargaining with God
for a miracle. I’m not doing them so that I can stack up each thing as a point in my
favor, but solely so that I can be found faithful. Doing good to others is for the
good of those others; spending time with God is because I want to love Him and understand Him better, regardless of what I encounter next.
God has His timing and His
plan; He will provide what I need when the time is right. Not because He’s
“paying me back” for good things I’ve done, but because He is a loving Father
who knows how to give good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:11). I’m not trying to
prove with prayer that I love God enough or by doing good works that I’m good
enough for a miracle. Instead, it’s my job to
trust Him here, for as long as I’m here, and to be found faithful.
I’m definitely still praying
for miracles; I’m definitely still doing as much good as I can; but I’m also
trying to shift my perspective to doing these things out of love, for others
and for God, to actually want to give and to serve and to seek God with all my heart, instead of
just desperately seeking everything I feel I’m missing. The work I do, I do in order to be
faithful to my current callings. The miracle I need will happen when God deems
it right.
If you feel comfortable, I’d love to know: have you ever gone
through something similar? Please share any tips for persevering! I know they’ll be
helpful to me and to others! On the other hand, are you going through something
like this right now? Know that you are not alone and that I
would love to be praying for you <3
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