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While You're Waiting on Your Miracle

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Why The Title, “Thus Far”

 Because it sounds cool. To me anyway. But also, because it feels right for this stage of my life. I’m in that discovery stage of the 20’s; I was one of those teens who thought they knew EXACTLY where they were going and EXACTLY what they were gonna do. But then, things didn’t pan out: online, writing wasn’t working; in real life, relationships fell apart; and I just couldn’t move forward the way I thought I would and the way I wanted to.

And that was before 2020. 😉

In the aftermath of some of it and still in the throes of the rest of it, I find myself realizing how much I want to say but how little I know how to say it. It feels pompous, to me, for me to try to speak on universal things, whether they be emotional, mental, just life stuff, or the political and social spheres none of us can seem to break out of. Whatever the topic, I am always second-guessing myself and questioning myself. My work is not good enough, my mind whispers. I haven’t lived long enough, I think, and everything I say or feel or am going through has surely been said or experienced or talked on before. Somewhere, someone has already said or shown it better, or somewhere, someone has the problem worse. Therefore, I have nothing of value to say.

I know that’s self-doubt talking. I know I’m allowed to do poorly at something, to make a mistake, to not have the best artwork in the room, to share writing that needs work, to have opinions, to speak on them, and then to change all of them, as I grow and change. But it was hard for me to embody these attributes and to act on them in the ways that I wanted to. Thus, the title, “Thus Far”: for me, it offers permission and space. This is what I know, Thus Far, and tomorrow, when I’m a bit farther along, I might know more and do better.

Yes, I admit to myself, I haven’t even made it halfway through the 20’s. No, I gently remind myself, what I’m dealing with isn’t unique. But it is, in every joyful, jolting day, very real. And so, here is my offering to myself and to anyone who cares to read, a compilation in word and in art of what I know thus far.

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